Heart Break
by Eoko
Summary: One young man reflects on his love and the potential losing of his lover. YAOI, Angst


Eoko: I don't own FF8, I don't own the boys, the buildings, their demeanour or the doors. I own most of the feelings portrayed in this particular fic. For more info see the A/Ns at the bottom of the ficlet. Pairing spoiler down there too though.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heart Break

That was the day I heard my heart break.

He used to call me 'Kiddo'. I loved it, loved hearing it. He always said it with affection. I knew he loved me. It never really mattered what he called me when we were in love, but that one, that one I really adored hearing from his lips.

Now I'm lucky to be called even by my name. I still love him. Hyne, I love him so much it hurts. He's made SeeD, he's busy. I understand that. I know how capable he is, how in demand his skills are. I know compared to that I'm… no, shouldn't go there.

It's not that he doesn't love me anymore, or, I don't think it is. He says he loves me, and that should be enough, right? But… I don't know if it is anymore. Work, friends, he's become so popular with this new found prestige. I don't know if I have a place in his life anymore.

I want to cling to what hope I have left. I hope he still loves me the way I love him. I hope his heart aches for me when we're apart. I know mine does. Hyne, does it ever. I've lost track of his schedule. I used to know it inside and out, mostly because it involved him knowing me inside and out… mmm… give me a moment to dwell on sweeter times…

But now I can't even hope to guess. I live with a dim hope that I might see him for maybe a minute or two, that I may steal a kiss before we must part again. He leaves me messages, notes on my desk and his voice on my answering machine. "I'm free on Friday. I'll do my best."

His best doesn't seem quite good enough when it comes to me. Sometimes, I'll admit that, sometimes he does come through. I've been able to wrap myself up in his arms for a cuddle once or twice. Hyne it felt good, but I want more, I _need_ more.

It's been eight months since we made love. Yea, you heard me right; eight months. And all I'm really sure about is that won't be the end of the count. Please, you can stop gaping like fastitocalons out of water. If I've managed to come to terms with it so can you.

Though, I wouldn't be sure if I'd exactly define it as having come to terms. More like in a blissfully ignorant trance fuelled by love and memories of the past. It used to be beautiful, amazingly beautiful. The things he would do for me made my heart melt and give into his every desire.

You wouldn't have expected it from him. I don't think any one, even if they knew, would dare call him a romantic, but Hyne above he is. He's so loving, caring, sweet- was… he was. I don't know if he's still like that. Life since me may have hardened him again.

Since me… what a depressing thought. When my hope dwindles sometimes these things creep about my mind. I wonder if I'm good enough. I know I was. I know the way he looked at me and touched me spoke more of his lust and love than any words could hope to describe… I know I was the center of his world for over a year, just as he was of mine. He was the sun of my galaxy. He still draws me. My love for him as strong as it ever was.

That's why it hurts so much. He's never said we were through. On the contrary, he continues to tell me of his love, of his need. I hold onto that. Once a week, twice if I'm lucky. Those words are all that keep me going.

I'm dead without him. I'm nothing. He's the other half of my soul, and without him I feel empty. One touch, one simple phrase is all that keeps this shell I've become from losing everything I hold within; my love, my emotion, everything is at risk.

Today I saw him. Today looked like it would be wonderful. A touch, an adoring embrace, our lips pressed together in a dance of needy passion. I was alive again, with him. And then he got a call and excused himself for just a moment to take it.

He stepped out of my room, cell held to his ear. I smiled, elated and happy to have him near me again. I went over to the couch and made myself comfortable, eager to beckon him over to me and continue our previous activities.

Five minutes passed and I stretched out further. Five more and I picked up a Combat King, flipping it open to a random article to read while I waited. More time passed, how much unknown to me until I grew tired of the magazine and again checked my watch.

Too long… the call was surely over by now. I slipped off the sofa and padded barefoot across my dorm and opened the door to check on him. He wasn't here. I took two steps out and looked all down the hall, left and right. He wasn't there.

That was the day I heard my heart break.

- - - - - - - - - - -

A/N: I did not mention the pairing during the ficlet because I wanted to allow you to chose which pairing you felt it most connected to. By doing this you should have gotten the most emotional outlook possible. I've alluded, yes, but people tend to insert their favorites and mould the words around them unless otherwise told.

This is a very personal fanfiction, tied directly to a role play pair and my character/my own feelings. If you're like me, you become very attached to the being you create, and thus many tears can be shed over something so silly as a little time lost between IM written lovers.

Still, I'd appreciate it if you took into account the personal element behind this story. There will be no more chapters. It was specifically written based on my current mood, and I doubt I'd be able to continue the story even if I had an idea to unless I was in that mood, which is not a very pleasant one, so please don't encourage me to get depressed in order to write emotional tear jerking angst.

The pairing, in case you are curious, is Seifer/Zell. Zell is the narrator in this story. Much of it is based one him and consequently me. The reasons why Seifer is busy, and leaving are made up, as I have no idea why it is happening over all.

If you love it, tell me so. If you were touched, let me know. If you want to tell me to get a life and stop obsessing over fake people that "live" in my head, go fuck yourself, I'm quite happy where I am.


End file.
